Beyond the letter grade

What's in an F? What IS an F?

I got an F in Filipino 11. How utterly depressing. And when you really think about it, it's funny, too. A Chinese can fail a Mandarin subject, an American can fail in English, but where in the world did you ever hear of people who are less adept in their own national course than in another language course? That's right. It only happens here. I'm excelling in Communication in English I AND Introduction to Fiction (in English), but I can't even manage to get a passing grade in my very first Filipino quiz? How sad. I may even prove to be more skilled in French than in Filipino! *sarcastic laugh* And that's not a joke, either. I mean, what the hell, I don't even know what an apple is in Filipino. Is that pathetic or what?

Yeah, it was an unannounced quiz, so obviously I didn't study for it, and obviously I could've aced it if I'd memorized my notes beforehand, but it goes beyond that. It's the mere fact that I don't even WANT to learn Filipino. It's the mere statement that "I could've aced it if I'd memorized it beforehand." Memorized. For the sake of getting a high score. Memorized and forgotten the next day.

How unpatriotic can I get before my country decides to disown me? I don't like the language, I don't like the local shows, I dislike Filipino bands and the music they create. Is there even love left for my country and everything it represents? Or, everything that represents it?

And, of course, my country will never disown me.

I think of all this, and I am acutely saddened by my disloyalty. I am more pained, however, that I realize my mistake and ponder on it, but I do nothing.

Will I ever change?

Will I ever desire to learn my language, embrace my culture, and show my country the love that it has given me so much of?

What's in an F? What IS an F?

F is for failure. But it goes beyond the letter grade. It's my failure as a citizen to accomplish my duties and do what I should do for my country. It's my failure to become worthy of being called a Filipino.

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Dear friends,

Do pardon me for being so overly dramatic. I can't help myself. And, anyway, am I not right in what I said?

I always knew my blog title should've been Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Hahaha.

Untitled

I got my math diagnostic results back. I got a 96. I WISH I had gotten a perfect score, but that damned first question took those four precious points away. So, yeah. That's still an A, though. So, it's all good. I'm doing well in all my other subjects as well.

Some of my blockmates and I ate out for lunch, and then I got back to find Ralph sitting at the benches in front of the Sec buildings. We hung out awhile there, and he sat in at my English class an hour later.

So, what else can I say?

My title for this entry reminds me of Simple Plan's song Untitled. Check out their website at http://www.simpleplan.com/

Til' next time.

Two typical days in the life of moi

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Today is officially a very, VERY good day. My classes were supposed to be from 7:30-9:00, then 10:30 to 12:00, but our Filipino teacher was absent and so after an attendance check, we were dismissed. Rosedell followed me home and we hung out a while. I've convinced her to create a blog of her own as well.

So anyway, about an hour after lunch she went home, and I started doing my reading assignment for Lit 13, which was "The Jewels (of M. Lantin)" by Guy de Maupassant.

And then I took a nap.

It was 4:00 P.M . when my mom woke me up, saying I needed to get ready for the wedding party at 7:00. I grudgingly complied. After a quick shower, I toweled off and blow-dried my hair. My mom put makeup on me, I put my earrings on, slipped into my red "dress" (if you can call it that) and high heels, threw some things into my black handbag, and was ready by 5:30. We went to pick up my uncle and grandma, and even though we left early, we arrived approximately an hour and a half later. As you can imagine, the traffic was ABSURDLY awful.

On to the wedding. It was held at the Rizal Ballroom at Makati Shangri-La. The place was beautiful, the people were all gorgeous, the food was delicious, the decorations were stunning. It was a great evening. I love expensive events like this. Lol. We got home at about half past ten. I fell asleep the instant I got into bed.

And that concluded my Thursday.
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Saturday, June 25, 2005

The math diagnostic test was administered today. I stupidly did NOT double check and therefore got number 1 wrong. I sincerely hope I got everything else right.

After that, I took our dogs to the vet.

Rosedell came at about 1:30. We typed the lab report for Physics 1, after which we watched Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle on TV until her ride arrived.

I slept the rest of the afternoon away instead of going out with my blockmates or attending the pool party for a departing friend. Kevin, we'll miss you. Have a great life in Australia!

Wushu classes commenced as usual at 7:30. I was totally drained after the two-hour class.

Now, it's exactly midnight. Ralph will have arrived in Manila by now. I can't wait to see him again.

That's it. Goodnight.

Reminiscing

I am suddenly filled with such a passionate yearning to be back in high school again. It's not the same. I've heard so many people say it, and I never thought it could be true.

College. The word makes you think.It paints a mental picture of freedom. Of fun. Of cool new friends. Of living the life. It is all that, but strangely, it's lacking something. It's definitely fun, and I'm having a great time. But where's the closeness? I miss the long heart-to-hearts. I miss the craziness my old friends exhibit so shamelessly when we're hanging out. I miss even the comfortable silences when there's nothing else to say. Because no one actually felt the need to say anything. I miss even the occasional fights. I miss everything that shows how close my high school friends have grown in a short space of time.

As I said, it's not the same.

Maybe I'm just in a depressed mood right now, but there's really some truth to what I've just written (typed). I don't mean any offense to my college friends, of course. You guys are great, and I mean that. There's definitely time for us to grow closer. So please block Q, let's all try to stay in BS Mgt-H for as long as possible, ok?

I guess I'm just really missing my high school friends. So to Invictus 2005, I love you guys and I'll see you all at our next gimmick. Take care.

A piece of good news and an embarrassing moment

I arrived at the university with only a few minutes before the bell. I hurriedly strode toward the Sec-C building where my first class, Physics (laboratory) was to be held. Upon arriving in front of 105's doors, I saw that class hadn't started yet and that my classmates were still lounging around elsewhere. Rosedell came a few minutes later, and we went to the washroom together. When we came out we found everyone had already filed into the classrooms. I consulted my schedule to make sure we were going to the right class. After confirming that our room was Sec-C105, we went inside and deposited our things at the nearest table. While I looked around I noticed a lot of new people in class. I smiled at the professor as she came by our table to hand us some papers. It was a different person. Rosedell and I thought she might be a substitute teacher. After about a minute three guys came to sit at our table. One of them asked me if that was our group table. I said yes, thinking our other groupmates were late and that they'd be there in a while. A few more minutes passed and the guy asked me what section I belonged to. I didn't really hear him so I didn't answer. But then it occured to me later on to ask him exactly which section we were currently in, as I was starting to become suspicious. It turned out we were in the wrong section and we were supposed to be in Sec-C 106, not 5. I had written over the 5 last time, but I misread it and so directed us to another Physics class. We managed to run to OUR class on time and weren't marked late, though. Thankfully.

That whole fiasco was pretty embarrassing, but good news awaited me during our first break. My blockmates had scanned the list of those who had been demoted to Filipino 10, and they said my name wasn't in that list. We double-checked it again during our lunch break, and they were right. I was so relieved and happy, and a bit disbelieving too. Those worries are finally over. Whew.

What's troubling me today?

I am dreading the results of that Filipino diagnostic test. As many know, I am extremely NOT good in that subject and don't have much interest in it as well. Still, who wants to get demoted to Filipino 10? Definitely not me. How utterly embarrassing would it be if I was the only one who has to go back to basic Filipino? How utterly embarrassing would it be even if other people have to go back with me as well? It wouldn't be a consolation even if the whole class goes back to Filipino 10, because it doesn't matter. What matters is we scored within the lowest percentile and were branded unready for the normal Filipino course. Which is a shame, really, considering we were born here and have lived here all our lives (or most of our lives). On top of the humiliation, basic Filipino is a NON-CREDIT course, which means it's extra work and wasted time.

I haven't been able to stop thinking of this all day and I REALLY need to stop. I'm stressing myself out and no amount of worrying can change the outcome of the test anyway.

The product of boredom

It's ten past 10 P.M. The day is coming to an end, and I don't want it to. Tomorrow is yet another school day, and although I know I have to wake early to get to school on time, I just don't like the thought of going to bed.

I've just finished watching Charmed on Studio 23. Now I have no clue what else to do. I am forever wasting time away, just thinking of something with which to occupy myself.

Tick tock. A minute, two minutes.

A song just popped into my head. For lack of a better thing to do, I'm going to post the lyrics here.

Behind These Hazel Eyes

Seems like just yesterday you were a part of me I used to stand so tall I used to be so strong your arms around me tight everything it felt so right unbreakable like nothin' could go wrong now I can't breathe no I can't sleep I'm barely hanging on here I am once again I'm torn into pieces can't deny it can't pretend just thought you were the one broken up, deep inside but you won't get to see the tears I cry behind these hazel eyes I told you everything opened up and let you in you made me feel alright for once in my life now all that's left of me is what I pretend to be so together but so broken up inside cause I can't breathe no I can't sleep I'm barely hangin' on here I am once again I'm torn into pieces can't deny it can't pretend just thought you were the one broken up deep inside but you won't get to see the tears I cry behind these hazel eyes swallow me then spit me out for hating you I blame myself seeing you it kills me now no I don't cry on the outside anymore.

With that, I'll say adios.

Presenting.....a "brilliant" first post!

After many years of delay, I have finally found time to create a blog. I feel such a powerful sense of achievement, even though all I did was type a few words and press a few buttons. Now that I have a blog, a new problem arises. I've been sitting and thoughtfully staring at the monitor for roughly fifteen minutes, trying to think of something witty to include in my very first post, but all I've come up so far is this sentence.

*sigh*

I'll give it another shot on my next entry, because all I want to do now is watch America's Next Top Model on TV.

So, ciao.