...

It's 7 PM on a Saturday and I have absolutely NOTHING to do. I've been staring blankly at my computer screen for more than a few minutes, and before that, I've visited every website on my bookmarks list, not to mention played a couple of computer games, albeit halfheartedly, experimented with my eyeshadows palette, and gone through all the books on my bookshelf in the hope of finding something to reread. Needless to say, I wasn't able to find anything, so here I am again, back in front of my laptop. There's no better time than now to write a long overdue new entry for a blog that I haven't bothered with for almost half a year.

I guess there's just nothing overly interesting about anything that's happened for the past few months, not that there usually is, which is why I thought I wouldn't waste my time composing any entries. If I had updated my blog regularly since I last wrote something, it would probably mostly be about how much school sucked and how much I hated this and that subject, how much I loathed professors this and that, how much I wanted to be back in high school. The other half would've been useless information such as which books I'd read, which movies I'd watched, which parties I'd attended, and how many clothes I'd bought.

Scanning everything I've published so far, I realize how shallow and typical this blog is. Not that I'm saying anything against writing about shopping and movies and things like that - it's perfectly fine. I guess I just maybe expected a lot more from myself, as we all do, and usually find fault in everything I do, even in such a trivial thing as an online journal.

More than that, it's also that I know I am a complex person, and that I feel so many things and want to express myself in so many ways, because there's so much going on inside me. It's truly disappointing to see that I haven't really been able to write about my feelings, my emotions, my opinions, my insights. Instead, I go on and on about external things, things of no real value, such as failing an exam or crying over unwanted visitors. These things don't really show who I am. On the contrary, they cover up. I know I tend to write more about impersonal things in part because I want to protect myself. Maybe some things hurt too much to write about, and I don't like presenting myself in a vulnerable light. Maybe some things just reveal too much of who I am, and I'm not ready to share all of that to the world yet, because I'm also still in the process of discovering myself.

My objective in writing all of this is simple. I want people to know that I am more than just a girl who loves fashion and everything that makes life more entertaining. I want people to know that I don't only think of myself and my petty 'problems.' I want people to know that I do have real problems too, and that I'm not really as superficial as my past entries make me seem.

Of course, I'm not a totally serious person either. I do have fun. Who doesn't?

School blues

I really am hating this semester.

First of all, our block gets split in half, so I almost never see the other half of the block because we have almost no classes together except for the management ones, and I miss them a lot, especially those people I used to hang out with all the time last year.

Besides this, there aren't any fun classes this year, like Literature or even Zoology. Now all we get is Statistics and Accounting and Philippine Business Environment, for God's sake. There's Western History, which is fairly interesting, but I'm not doing too well in that class at the moment. As for the rest of my classes, let's just say I have never and will never be overly eager to attend any of them.

I actually am just learning to appreciate freshman year now, because of all the hardships I'm faced with this year. It was much simpler last year. There's not even a day these days when I get home and just relax, knowing I have no homework to complete or quiz to study for.

Apart from the schoolwork, there's also ballroom dancing and NSTP. Now I'm heartily wishing I'd taken up aerobics or something else for PE instead. I mean, I do actually like ballroom dancing, it's just that it takes time to practice. And I have little time to spare. Even worse than that, of course, is NSTP. Waking up before 7 every Saturday morning to teach the urban poor until noon is not my idea of a great morning. It's a well-known fact that I hate waking early. I am really not a morning person. And because of this Literacy Training Service, I have even less time in my hands.

The worst thing of all was when our class saw our Accounting test scores yesterday. In our joint class of 60 people, only 10 or 11 actually passed. The rest of us got below a 65, which means we lost a whole 15% of our final grade, because any grade below 65 is an F, which has no point value. So I could've actually not taken the test at all and gotten a zero, and I would still have gotten the same grade - an F. All of my efforts amounted to nothing. It was devastating. I realize now why only a handful of people graduate from Management Honors each year. I just never knew it was this hard.

So now I'm faced with the toughest decision I've ever had to make so far - should I stay in the honors class, or shift out? I want to get a fairly good grade and graduate with honors, so I want to shift to the regular Management class. But it's not easy. I can't imagine just letting it all go. The thing is, in our course, the lowest grade we can get is a C+, and we can only get ONE C+. Anything below that means we get kicked out of MH. I've heard stories about a few people who got F's in their first LT in the honors class, but managed to get a C+ in the end. There's just a really big risk involved, because after that F, a C+ under honors is really hard to get. If I decide to stay and don't make the grade requirement, I not only have to leave MH anyway, but my QPI will lower dramatically.

What am I to do? I know I can't let this break me. I'm stronger than that. But somehow I feel like breaking down. I don't want to deal with this right now. Or anytime, for that matter. I want to go back to freshman year when there were no hard choices to make. Or I want time to speed up so that this will all be but a memory.

I know that even if I shift out, in the long run, an H beside (or missing from beside) my course won't matter. Success is only a matter of determination, hard work, and a fair amount of talent. Still, I'm not in the future - I'm only still a college student, and that H means a lot to me. Even if my mind says that I can make it without the H, I refuse to really see that.

Depressing, really. I will reach a decision soon, though. And I swear, I'm going to make the best of the situation. No matter what happens, I will work toward fulfilling my dreams.

Anyway, to conclude this entry, I have only one thing to say. Everything had better get better soon. Or I'll be tearing my hair out before long.

How to ruin my life in one minute

Ok, so I was perfectly happy curled up in bed, reading a good book and crunching on a bag of Kornets, unwinding after a stressful day. How was I to know that in a few minutes I would be cursing and crying my eyes out, all thought of relaxation forgotten?

I would actually still be cursing now, in type, if it weren't for the fact that my mom really dislikes it, and she has a high probability of coming across this.

You're all probably wondering what kind of tragic problem I have now. It's not that I failed a major exam, or lost a treasured possession, or got grounded forever. It's actually much worse.

My dad, without even telling me first, invited a girl from CHINA to stay in my room with me FOR A WHOLE MONTH. There are many things very wrong with this arrangement. First, I have never seen nor corresponded with this girl, ever. Second, she's a genuine Chinese from China, which means she can probably speak about five words of English and, needless to say, will not be enjoyable to chat with. Third, it is a known fact around the house that I absolutely LOVE time on my own. Fourth, it is also a known fact that I can only ever concentrate on studying in my room, alone. And with accounting and statistics this year as part of my course workload, I need that study time more than ever. Fifth, this is a MAJOR INVASION OF PRIVACY. Sixth, she, this foreigner I don't even know, will be sleeping on my bed with me. How many times has anyone had a complete stranger sleep in their beds with them?! Seventh, she will have full access to ALL OF MY STUFF, from my jewelry, to my books, my clothes, my shoes, my CDs and DVDs, everything. She will also be using my toilet bowl, for God's sake. Eighth, I am not particularly interested in entertaining guests after hectic days in school. I barely have any time for myself now, being kept extremely busy by our dear professors, and now this limited time is about to be reduced to no time at all.

I could actually go on up to a hundred, but then I'll never get this done. I just want to wake up and realize this was all a dream, but dreams aren't even this bad.

Dad, if you're reading this, which I doubt, I still love you and I'm definitely forgiving you for ruining my life (sorry, just had to say that), but please don't think that I'll go out of my way to be friends with this girl. And I just hope that next time, when you make decisions that affect me, you tell me about it first, because it's really highly unfair to me otherwise.

Actually, it's highly unfair of me to hate China girl just for accepting an invitation, but I can't help it. It's only natural for any human being to detest an unwanted intruder, after all. I can't just smile and try to be best friends with this person, right? I'm sure Mother Teresa would, but I'm not her. I'm not evil, either. Just human. Imperfect. And fully justified to be angry at this unfortunate development.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. Maybe sleep can make me forget about my woes, if only for a short while.

Training more than the voice

When I first enrolled at the Center for Pop Music, I thought all I would be getting was a few hours of concentrated training, singing tips and tricks, and performance lessons. After completing level one, I realized I got a lot more than that.

To have been amidst people who shared my passion and dreams was a truly inspiring experience. I loved how we felt instantly comfortable with each other, how we talked about singing all day long and never ran out of things to say about it. We got so close in such a short time, trading secrets and doing each other's hair as though we'd known one another for years.

They were also the first people ever to see me dance to a sexy song. Before Center for Pop, I never had the guts to do so. Definitely not in front of an audience.

Most of all, they were the ones who believed in me. They cheered me on at every performance and gave me the confidence to go on and do my best. They never judged anyone harshly, and they never belittled anyone for their mistakes.

The days when we were together were some of my happiest. To the girls who did Objection Tango with me (that still includes Paula), we rocked! I'll never forget our bonding sessions or our uber-project moments. Of course, let's not neglect to mention Achelle, who is really sweet, albeit a little insecure.

I also want to acknowledge the tireless coaches, especially Coach Mel, Dynes, and Mayo, whose efforts I greatly appreciate. Coach Mel was my first coach; she helped me overcome my initial shyness at performing. Coach Mayo taught me to use facial, body, and vocal expression in singing, plus blocking techniques, armwork, etc. Coach Dynes taught me to dance and project.

After all of those hours of training, I've certainly become an infinitely better singer and performer, but I've also learned a thing or two about confidence, determination, teamwork, and friendship.

Summertime

Ciao, everyone.

I was just mindlessly surfing the net when I suddenly remembered I actually had a blog, so here I am, updating after almost three months.

I don't remember everything that transpired between February 10 and now, of course, so I'll only mention a few things.

It's been one of my busiest summers so far. I'm taking accounting lessons during weekday mornings for two weeks, doing voice and stage performance training at Center for Pop three days a week, and continuing wushu training Friday and Saturday nights. All of them are for two hours per session.

Singing class is awesome. I never knew there were so much rules to singing and performing. It's also oddly liberating to not care when you sing a wrong note in front of an audience. They teach you never to be embarrassed, to always project an image of confidence, even when you're quaking inside. Never be afraid of making a mistake, because after all, no one is immune to committing them. I mean, did you hear Rod Steward sing on Idol last week? He faltered on a high note.

Speaking of American Idol, there are only five contestants left. I'm thinking either Katharine or Taylor or Chris will win. I love Elliott too, but I don't think he has enough fans. I used to like Paris, but she's getting boring.

Moving on, I've watched a couple of movies (The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe; Ice Age 2; Tristan and Isolde; 2 Fast 2 Furious; Aeon Flux; Memoirs of a Geisha; Brokeback Mountain; etc.) since my last update, but, in my opinion, none of them, save Narnia, were really outstanding.

I've read some books, too. The It Girl and Some Like It Hot were typically juicy and glamorous, the seven Chronicles of Narnia books were vivid and imaginative, Tamora Pierce's Trickster's Choice was quite interesting, and The Taming of the Shrew was comical and witty. Currently, I'm a third of the way through Much Ado About Nothing.

Been to a few parties, which I obviously am not going to ennumerate, lol, and spent a day in Subic with my family, being kissed by a seal (or was it a sea lion?) who's just had dead fish and squids for a treat and followed around by a sweet little goat in the course of that delightful day.

And now, because it's already past 2 A.M., I must go.

Arrivederci e buona notte.

Thanks

Today was, undoubtedly, one of my best birthdays ever.

Thank you so much to everyone who made this day so special.

To Rachel, Ariel, Glenn, Dan, Marlon, Jeremy, Justin, Jon, Noel B, Wayne, Emmeline, Byron, Jensen, Erica R, Lauren, Ja, Megan, Joan, Jarwin, Howard, Niks, Paul, Reg, Matthew, Terence, Ange, Andrew, Coy, Gi, Alvene, Raphael, Jed, Wes, Riz, Vib, Jourd, Bjorn, Drew, Ralph, Marc T, Jaq, Harley, Jeff, Mike, Kathleen - your remembering means a lot to me.

To everyone in Invictus who wrote messages for that birthday CD, I have never received anything so meaningful. I was crying the whole time. Thanks, especially to Ja, who made it. I miss you all so much.

To my beloved block Q, today wouldn't have been the same without you. Thank you for what you did - you guys are so sweet. Love you all. Quoting Hannah, "You make my heart melt."

To my English block, thank you for singing such a nice happy birthday.

To Sir Samar, Sir Exie, and Ma'am Yap, thank you for your greetings.

To my family, everyday is beautiful because of you. And today is perfect because you were there to celebrate with me. Words aren't enough to express the depth of my love for you.

And to everyone else who've made me smile today, thank you.

'The Destroyer' destroys

Congratulations to Manny Pacquiao for winning the WBC International Featherweight Title in his spectacular match against Erik Morales last January 21, 2006 at the Thomas and Mack Center, Las Vegas, USA.

I, for one, am absurdly proud of him.

His current world rank is 1/860. (boxrec.com)

Fly high, Filipino.